For the past 3 days I have been under a thick cloud of depression. I’m sitting in the dark all alone barely living. But anyway I wanna learn how not to give a damn. I want to turn it all off. Everything, everyone. My mom is a big part of my depression. And living in her house doesn’t help. I’m fucking homeless and that’s how I feel. I don’t have ant possessions other then a few cloths I only own one pair of shoes I don’t even have a computer anymore. My room is the size of a jail cell my bed takes up majority of the space. When I say I have to come home and lay in the bed I’m serious. It fucking sucks. I want to run the fuck away. My escape is to sit in my car. I cry in my car. If I have to be at wrk at 1 I usually in my car at 9 I go sit at w park McDonald’s parking lot even the grocery store lot. I swear I hate my fucking life and as much as I want to end it all I’m still here because of my daughter. With out her I would have killed myself a long time ago.
So what a week. I have to stop talking to the man of my dreams because he was married of course. I was talking to a few people on line dating site but seriously if I’m not really feeling you i’m not gonna move it further then a couple of conversations. I’m not giving out my number.
As for Aaron we have been having great sex over the past couple weeks but even I know the sex is a temporary fix for what I really want…. Love. He says all the right things in that moment but let truest analyze that. When were together he talks so much about Ho communication is the key but we have none. He answers every call and checks his phone when we’re together but it’s hours or days before he responds to my texts. And the final thing I’m just a number… After 4 years I’m not even saved in his phone. So I blocked him. Oh and were facebook friends “who wants to go to dinner with me???—-him” we have never done anything like that before. I’m tired of giving and I’m just giving.
That door is closed then there’s my fling form a while back sending me messages but I already know what his deal is. So that’s not gonna fly.
I used to think of that song as my motto. I could have any man and keep it moving. But get this why does any man think he can have me? I’m never a side piece, home wrecker, or the woman you can run too when your wife is not who you want. So this guy, he makes my soul melt. I swear the way he looks at me is just omg the pow!!!! Lol!!! So for months I knew he was feeling me I even tried to push it off my coworkers even brought it up like he is the one for you, girl you have to get on that. Ha I finally gave in and reached out. Things were pretty good talking everyday then all of a sudden that little voice in the back of my head like hold up. To good to be true. Check it all out first. So my game of 20 questions in fact revealed the truth. This man is in a 10 year marriage. Not relationship but married. “Can we still be friends?” My first mind said yeah we can be friends but I had to reread that “FRIENDS”. Nope I can’t, I refuse to be the other woman the one you forsake your wife over. I could have loved him now I hate the ground he walks on and I feel bad for his wife because just because I said HELL NO doesn’t mean that chick before me or the one after will. Men are such dogs but like I said I’m making waves and walked right on away from him. Feeling proud of my self.