Motivation zero

With no motivation no ambition I know in general I am not myself. I know il never aspire to move forward with my life. At 30 I feel the walls closing in on me. I can feel it happening. Hell it has already begun. I have no motivation, I’m depressed to a point where if I don’t go to work I don’t do much more. I feel the most pain and hurt for my daughter, she deserves a happy mother and that’s not me. I’m not happy with my life. I wanted to lose weight, gain confidence move mountains, what a joke.

When it all looks good for me something knocks me flat on my face. My mother is my biggest life hinder. I sometimes wish I wasn’t born to her. She isn’t the right parent to help me grow. I can’t ask her for help because every time I asked her for advice she has sent me off the deep end. Sadly it’s like walking around blind sometimes.

I had from my family by working a lot. I don’t make enough money to run away but I’m working on it. I just want to get away. I’m trying to save to get my own apartment. I hope I can afford something real soon.

Just tired

I try my hardest not to put myself out there because when I do I always end up feeling the way I do. I’m tired of being lonely, I’m tired of not feeling like I’m lovable. I’m 30 and I haven’t had a real relationship in years. No one to hold at night. No one to tell me they love me. No dates no hopes for the future. Just sadness. I’m tired of being at home every weekend like this.

So I put myself out there. Aaron ha been trying to act like he wanted something with me but I swear it’s just the idea of. We hung out last night and like always I let him clear his head we talked, he talked about us. I just listened because there is always a silent period with him. He is good for a moment then he just ignores me. I can’t do this. It shouldn’t be this way. If he wanted to be with me he would try harder.

There it goes again my heart interfering with my head. My head says take a step back he isn’t ready but my heart says he is the one and things could be good. But realistically I just want love. Someone to love me.

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