My fist full of tears

Where do I begin….. Hi I’m almost 31 and I dream of being an alcoholic. Why because I know if I drank it would chase my depression away. Lately it’s like I’m here but I’m not here. I participate but I’m clearly absent.

Take for example my baby is 9 years old the first few years of her like I was a walking shell. I think I went through some kind of break down. I cried all the time, just like when I first moved back home. It’s been almost a year I hate it. I barely make enough money to get by. I look at my mom and sister and they are able to have the things they want while I still struggle. To afford the basic necessities.

Let’s move one from my pity party. We have survived the first two weeks of the fourth grade. I was looking in the rear view mirror at my daughter a couple days ago , and she is a little lady. From the tips of her fingers down too the length of her hair. I was in shock and see at the same time.

Over this summer my eldest niece, who by the way turned 13 became a women , the just this week my youngest niece 11 did also. I was in total shock because this means they are no longer little girls. Which also means it’s time for that talk with my daughter. I’m not ready. This was the start I my fist full of tears.

How do I feel???

I feel homeless. I lost my job my apartment and now me and my boo-ski lives with my mother and sister.

We share the smallest room. Most days my daughter sleeps on the couch down stairs. When I’m home I feel like I’m in jail. No space for nothing. I have my tv and my bed my clothes are just everywhere.

Food we damn near eat out everyday. When I do wash the dishes here my mother uses them all no one else will wash do they sit for long periods until I break and wash them.

My mother lays in the bed all day every day she doesn’t cook nor clean she doesn’t even know the meaning of bathing. I work sometime 40 hours a week and hell I have to come home and feed my daughter. Sometimes it’s after 9pm.

I’m depressed out this world. I spent months coming home crying in my bed, hell I’m still doing that. Sometime I sit hours in my car. I find different places to cry. I’m tired of being depressed. I don’t have anywhere to go. I can’t afford to rent an apartment. Lord knows if I could I wouldn’t be here. I don’t have any friends all I have is my daughter. And the truth is if I dint have her I would kill myself.

I swear I’m trying my hardest, because I gotta get away from here I just want to be happy. I know when I had my own apartment I didn’t have everything but I didn’t feel like I do now. My escape is going to work. I literally go to work hours before I start because I hate being at home. I try to work everyday of the week.

Aaron

I’ve known Aaron for more then 4 years.  I initially though he was the one for me but then he did this disappearing act and continued to come back and forth.  I like him and wanted things to work out but I can seriously see that he is not ready for what I want in life.  So why am I wasting my time????  I guess it’s because everyone I end up with it doesn’t go anywhere.  I want a relationship like my friends have.  Yet maybe that’s the problem i’m surrounded by people who are coupled up and i’m just alone.  I just want someone to love me like I can love them.